Beyond the hashtag: are you really ok?
Trigger warning: this article talks about suicide.
How often has someone asked you how you are, without stopping or looking you in the eye? A cursory greeting like this implies that this is not a serious question and there’s not time or bandwidth for a negative response.
Today, is RUOK Day, an annual suicide awareness campaign. This year, everyone is urged to go beyond the hashtag, to set aside time to have a genuine conversation and be prepared to be present for anything that comes up.
When suicide is personal
Until a couple of years ago, the impact of suicide was always at least one step removed from me. When I was twenty, an older friend suffered the tragedy of his young teen son killing himself. I remember how inadequate I felt to even broach the subject at the time. I thought “giving him space” was the wise thing to do. That the last thing he needed was me bumbling my words or actions.
When a friend’s mum suicided, a few years later, on seeing him at a distance my first response was to run and “give him space”. But this time, a little older and beginning to become wiser, I stopped and thought, “If it was my mum who’d died, what would I want? How would it feel to know friends were avoiding me?”
That moment of mindfulness is seared in my memory. Think about it. What would you want in the same situation? You don’t have to have an answer, you can’t solve their pain but you can be acknowledge it and be present.
Two years ago, suicide became more personal when I got a shocking call from a close friend in New Zealand. Our cherished friend had died out of the blue. There was so little information, only a shocked comment on his Facebook page from a friend that had said they’d seen him in the morning and he’d seemed fine. I immediately assumed a heart attack or aneurysm had killed him.
It wasn’t until many months later, his partner replied to my card and told me he’d killed himself. This news ripped the sadness wide open again, with shock and disbelief.
“I can’t exactly say why B left us. He suffered from depression but in a way that wasn’t fully obvious. Everything pointed to him getting caught in a very down moment rather than it being a planned action. I comfort myself with the thought that if he’d got through that afternoon in July he would be still with us, more or less happy. Irrespective, I miss him terribly.”
B’s partner of over thirty years
At the time he died, B was a leader in his professional, had a loving partner and so many friends. Everyone loved him! Even the most popular and emotionally articulate person can have a bad day. Anyone of us can be vulnerable to rogue thoughts and feelings of despair. As B’s partner reflected, someone can suffer from depression in a way that isn’t obvious.
How to ask if someone’s ok?
The RUOK website is full of resources on how to start the conversation:
“Got a niggling feeling that someone you know or care about it isn’t behaving as they normally would? Perhaps they seem out of sorts? More agitated or withdrawn? Or they’re just not themselves. Trust that gut instinct and act on it.
By starting a conversation and commenting on the changes you’ve noticed, you could help that family member, friend or workmate open up. If they say they are not ok, you can follow our conversation steps to show them they’re supported and help them find strategies to better manage the load. If they are ok, that person will know you’re someone who cares enough to ask.”
Are you OK today?
Sadness and suicidal thoughts are not the same, though unchecked one might lead to the other. It’s ok to feel sad at times but when this lingers for days, it’s important to talk with someone your trust or seek professional help.
Don’t know who to talk to? Call Lifeline 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. There’s also the option to chat online to either of those services. They’ll never dismiss you for not being sad or bad enough, or think you’re wasting their time. They’re there to listen, and share resources if you need them.
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